I have suffered from depression several times in my life and don't feel it is anything to be ashamed about nor, to me, is a badge of honour or a taboo subject - let's face it almost everyone will be affected by it and what's the statistic, is it 1 in 4 will suffer from it at some time in their lives? From this past experience of depression I know I am started to edge near the hole of blackness as I used to call it.
Depression at that time felt like a well of darkness and on good days I was far from the edge but darker days saw me starting down in the black mirths of my well. The strange thing is I have so many reasons to feel anything other than depressed and I started January with a sense of vigour and excitement.
My depression is usually caused by stress and feeling pressured. Although I love filling in forms (yeah I hear you!) a lot of my stress is because of Student Finance. Now for those of you that have not discovered Student Finance yet be warned! They are the agency that decide how much or if you or in my case my son will get towards their University fees and funding. You apply by form like many other loans or funding but this group come with a difference. If you have filled in the incorrect form or left something omitted they are not helpful and write you a letter asking you to rectify the error so they can proceed, oh no, they wait till you have had enough of waiting and contact them to see what the hold up is and then they tell you you made a mistake and they need information or another form. Just send a frigging letter will you!!
I have been trying to jump through their hoops for about 5 months now and any evidence of earnings etc that do not fit their exact (and narrow) criteria is not accepted - its their way or the highway. You thought sorting your end of year accounts or Child Tax Credit was hard, wait till you meet Student Finance.
It is starting to get me down so much as you only have a set period of time to apply for a grant or loan (which is looming) and I do not have the evidence exactly as they want it and am waiting for more advice from an Accountant before I can submit the paperwork again. It is making me feel pressurised and I am lying awake at night worrying and sleep is far from the easiest. Having to change a pair of Talas trousers he spilt milk over on the school run this morning was enough to have me in floods of tears - for gods sake I was howling!!. I feel pathetic and am annoyed at myself that I cannot 'get a grip' but that I also know from experience is beyond my grasp until I feel less stressed - the dark clouds are on the horizon and I am running as fast as I can away from them but it feels like my feet are in quick sand and I am sinking deeper and getting slower.
I wanted to just get this down on cyber paper so I can know when the dark clouds start retreating and I do not feel as stressed, low and fed up as I do today. Without a stick to measure by I may miss a silver lining in them and that is exactly what I need right now...
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